


Roughriders vs Rough Riders: A tragic wedding story

by Trisor (Firebog)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 1990s neon coloured windbreakers, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Alternate Universe - Canada, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Alternate Universe - Sports, Canada, Canadian Football League AU, Character Death, F/F, F/M, Human Castiel, Human Sam, Implied Past Lisa Braeden/Jo Harvelle, M/M, Minor Character Death, Octopus Dean, Octopus Lisa, Original Character(s), Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Past Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam and Cass get a dog, Tragedy, Tragic Romance, Wedding Planning, Weddings, background Mary/John
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 04:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5729503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firebog/pseuds/Trisor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Lisa send in their proposal video to Real Weddings, a reality tv show that pays for all wedding expenses at the cost of allowing them to film your entire wedding (whether good or disaster). To Dean and Lisa's surprise their video is picked, what follows is the sports fan wedding tragedy of the century.</p><p>(B plot: Sam and Cass get a dog.)</p><p>(Don't worry about the character death tag, Cass and Jo save the dog)</p><p>(PS: This was written for a terrible fic challenge. It is <em>bad</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Roughriders vs Rough Riders: A tragic wedding story

_Dean and Lisa's First Interview_

Neither Dean nor Lisa had ever imagined that the silly engagement video they sent in would actually win the Real Weddings reality tv show audition. But now they were sitting on their submerged couch in their living room aquarium smiling like Stepford wives for the camera as the interviewer for the Real Weddings quizzed them on their expectations for the big day.

"Well, we both really like football." Lisa said.

"A lot." Dean added. He waved a tentacle at the living room that was full of CFL memorabilia.

"That's right!" The interviewer said cheerfully. "You're... _'roughs'_ fans."

"Yes." Dean and Lisa said at the exact same time. They glared at each other.

"...I'm sensing some tension." The interviewer said. She eased back on her official interviewing stool as if the two soon to be married people might start a brawl.

"He's a _Rough Riders_ fan." Lisa sneered, just as Dean scowled and said. "She's a _Roughriders_ fan."

"We agreed to have a non-denominational fan wedding." Lisa said.

"Yeah. No colours on the wedding party." Dean said. He hid a devious smile.

The interviewer stared at them. She nodded slowly. "Ah. Well. That's...so then I guess you'll both be happy to know we've booked the local football field to host your wedding."

Dean and Lisa cast one last angry look at each other before turning to the camera and beaming.

\---

_Dean's one-on-one interview_

"So Lisa's your dream girl." The interviewer said.

"Yeah." Dean said, dreamily.

"And how did you meet?" The interviewer asked.

"Her car broke down in a Tim Horton's parking lot." Dean said. He scuttled across the kitchen and splashed into the kitchen aquarium. "And I was working for my uncle Bobby-

"Bobby Singer?" The interviewer asked.

"Yeah." Dean said.

"We went to high school together!" The interviewer exclaimed, excitedly.

"Oh cool, I'll tell him you said hi." Dean said. He grabbed a crab out of the bottom of the tank and began viciously tearing into it. "Anyway, I was working for Bobby at the time so I had the tow truck. I offered to give her a free tow to the nearest shop."

"And you hit things off from there?" The interviewer asked.

"Hell no. She's a Roughriders fan." Dean said. He shook a tentacle for emphasis.

_\---_

_Lisa's one-on-one interview_

"And how did you meet?" The interviewer asked.

"He hit my car in the Tim Horton's drive thru." Lisa said. She shoved two tentacles through each arm of her neon pink, green, and purple windbreaker. "He was trying to get this huge tow truck through the drive thru. Anyone could see that it wasn't going to fit but he tried anyway."

"Oh...that's not how Dean told the story." The interviewer commented. "He said the car broke down."

"Yeah. After he ran it over with the tow truck." Lisa said. She zipped up the windbreaker. It was the very best of neon colours. It puffed out and floated dreamily in the tank as Lisa moved towards the filter. She leaned on the edge of the aquarium. "And you'd think that would be the worst of it but then he jumps out of the truck in a _Rough Riders_ jacket."

\---

_Sneaky Candid Video Clip of Lisa_

"Miss, I'm just not sure we can accommodate all of your... _curves."_ The seamstress said. She re-measured every twist and turn of Lisa's tentacles. "Maybe you could set yourself a weight loss goal."

Jo shouted angrily on Lisa's behalf. "We didn't come all the way here to be called fat!"

Lisa grabbed the nearest shoe and hurled it at the seamstress.

The seamstress didn't duck as Lisa could not throw very far considering her short stature and lack of bones. But that didn't dissuade her from attempting.

Lisa grabbed the two halves of coconut shell that she had come in and scurried out of the seamstress's establishment. Jo chased after her.

"I can't believe some people." Lisa huffed to Jo. She scurried across the road without looking. Cars swerved and fishtailed in the light July snow, moose startled and dove past her. Jo dodged through the chaos. A single black bear stood at the side of the road and ignored the sudden car-moose pile up.

Lisa and Jo made it to the next dress shop. She left her coconut travelling shells outside.

"Hello." The sales lady said. "What can I help you with?"

"I need a wedding dress." Lisa said. Lisa pointed a tentacle at Jo. "And my maid of honour needs a bride's maid dress."

"What colour were you thinking of for your dress?" The sales lady asked.

"White obviously. It'll go best with my windbreaker." Lisa picked at the edge of her lovely neon coloured windbreaker. The neon pink and the neon green seemed to shimmer under the florescent tube lights. "And I want it to be in a mermaid cut."

The sales lady nodded and made note. "And what colour for the maid of honour?" The sales lady asked.

"I was thinking of a number two amber." Lisa said. "It'll match the pancake breakfast we're having for the wedding party the day of."

"Number two amber?" The sales lady repeated aghast. "What about a nice number one medium? The colour would go better with your windbreaker."

Jo pre-emptively picked up shoe.

\---

_Sneaky Candid Video Clip of Dean_

"Sam. Cass." Dean said seriously. He looked between two of the people that were most important in his life. Well. Mostly. They were okay and they brought him fish to eat so there was that. "I'm getting married."

"What!?" Sam screamed. "When!? To who!? Does Mom know!?"

"Uh..." Dean said thoughtfully. "I'm getting married. Tomorrow. To Lisa. I think so."

"This seems rather rushed." Cass commented. "Are you sure, Dean?"

"Yeah. I mean, I checked her driver's license. I'm pretty sure her name is Lisa." Dean said, seriously.

Cass nodded thoughtfully. Then stood quietly in the corner contemplating how likely it was that Lisa's driver license could be a fake.

"You can't just get married to Lisa _tomorrow!"_ Sam said. "You only met her three weeks ago!"

"And she's a Roughriders fan." Cass piped up, helpfully. "You don't like the Roughriders, I've observed."

"Yeah...but..." Dean sighed. "Guys. Lisa is the girl for me. And I'd like you two to be the men for me. Will you be my groom's men?"

"Of course, Dean." Cass said.

"Only if you make sure Mom knows." Sam said. "She'll skin me alive if you don't tell her."

"Thanks, Sam, Cass." Dean said. He pulled a small wriggling package from a cupboard below the tank. "I got you guys a groomsmen gift."

Sam and Cass eyed the wriggling package suspiciously. Cass poked it. The package whined. Sam nearly jumped in to save his husband of two years.

"Guys, it's just a puppy." Dean said.

Sam tore the package open in a frenzy.

"I don't think you wrap puppies, Dean." Cass said.

Dean scoffed. "Whatev's, Cass."

"What should we call him?" Cass asked Sam who was busy aggressively cuddling the puppy.

Sam deliberated carefully before answering. "...let's call him Dog."

\---

_Setup For The Big Day_

The camera crew for Real Weddings looked around. They decided home plate would make an interesting place to film. Mostly because they had been told that this was a football field.

The interviewer took her small handheld camera and tracked down the groomsmen.

"Hey guys!" The interviewer said, cheerful as ever. "Nervous on Dean and Lisa's behalf?"

"No." Cass said just as Sam said, "Yes."

The interviewer gave a topical practiced laugh. "That's great." She waved dramatically at the huge tank taking up the entire curling sheet, which was out of place in the middle of the football field. "What's this?"

"The honeymoon tank." Sam explained while he tore off a huge strip of duct tape from a glorious silver role. "Dean and Lisa felt like skipping the elaborate honeymoon beach vacation since they'd both be miserable without any football to watch."

"There's a Roughriders vs Rough Riders game tomorrow that they don't want to miss." Cass added. He helped Sam press the duct tape over a large crack in the glass.

"Oh. Isn't that nice?" The interviewer said. "And it's nice to see you helping with decorating!"

"Decorating?" Cass asked confused. "Dog tried to eat a fish through the glass." He smoothed out the duct tape over a crack.

" _Oh."_ The interviewer peered closely at the duct tape. "Will that hold?"

Sam shrugged, "Probably."

"This brand of duct tape won third place in the international duct tape awards." Cass said. He pulled off another strip of duct tape. "That's quite the achievement."

The interviewer noted sagely. "Yes. Third place is very respectable."

Sam's pants started ringing. To his relief it was actually his phone. He took his phone out and answered it. He listened carefully. His face paled. He listened harder. His face turned as pale as a polar bear in a snow storm.

Cass watched with increasing trepidation. "What's wrong?"

Sam looked up from his phone soulfully. "Dad went on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a few days." Sam gulped. "Mom thinks...she thinks...maybe he went out alone to hunt _geese."_

Cass and the interviewer gasped in shock.

"What was he _thinking?"_ Cass asked, still floored by this cruel twist of fate. "Going out alone to hunt _geese?"_

"I dunno. Revenge maybe for the Strawberry Jam Picnic Incident?" Sam mused. He shook his head and crouched down to pat Dog. Dog wagged his tail, happily unware that his family was potentially mourning the loss of one of their own at the hands of the Devil's own poop machines.

\---

_The Big Day_

The wedding guests were clearly divided. Green and white Roughriders fans on the left and black and red Rough Riders fans on the right. Foam fingers and angry scowls cast everywhere.

The interviewer fixed her dress and gestured at the rows of seats. "Everyone is seated and waiting for the big moment."

The music began to swell, a traditional chant of _Argos suck!_ was taken up. Lisa looked down the aisle with anticipation. The aisle ended in a locker room that had served as the groomsmen's changing room.

The door slowly opened. Dean was thrust out the door in Cass's hands, the chant swelled, someone shouted out an enthusiastic **_Leafs_** _sucks!_

The interviewer laughed nervously at the colourful language. She glanced up the aisle at Lisa but Lisa didn't seem upset by swearing at her wedding.

Cass carried Dean down the aisle; Dean's tentacles carefully wrapped around Cass's arm so as not to damage Cass's suit or Dean's glorious neon windbreaker. The cameras panned gracefully along with them.

The interviewer looked into the other camera. "Due to the groom's father's whereabouts being unknown due to a tragic incident with geese the groom asked his past flame to carry him down the aisle."

Cass reached the end of the aisle and plopped Dean into the temporary wedding bowl. They hadn't managed to set up a good tank but neither Dean nor Lisa cared as they only planned on doing a basic ceremony.

The officiant, dressed as a referee of course, gave a stirring ceremony that moved everyone to tears. Red, green, white, and black face paint was leaking into the aisle. Rough Riders fans and Roughriders fans sob together at such moving words.

The officiant finally pronounced Dean and Lisa married and told them to kiss already.

Dean flicked back Lisa's veil.

The guests collectively gasped.

" _Lisa!"_ Dean gasped in horror.

Lisa's veil had hidden her green and white face paint.

"You and‒ and‒ that green and white crap!" Dean screeched. His tentacles flailed wildly. Water from the tank sloshed everywhere. "And that great big S! What does that even mean!? _Slytherin?"_

As Dean flailed his windbreaker burst open showing a team jersey for the Rough Riders.

Lisa gasped like she was in the middle of a huge soap opera reveal. She regained her composure as Dean raved on about non-denominational weddings. She jabbed an angry tentacle at Dean. "The S is for Saskatchewan, jackass!" She jabbed another angry tentacle at the mascot for the Rough Riders splashed across Dean's chest. "And at least I'm not parading around with a drunk mustached walrus on my chest!"

"It's a lumberjack!" Dean yelled.

Lisa barked a laugh. "Fine! A drunk mustached **_lumberjack_** walrus! With a **_cant!_** What do you think this is? Hockey? Lacrosse? **_Curling_** _!?_ You don't have sticks in football!"

"At least my team aren't name stealing assholes!" Dean retorted. He threw his tentacles up in disbelief. "Next you're gonna tell me you're secretly a **_Leafs_** fan!"

Lisa's eyes went wide as Tim Horton donuts. She gasped in horror of it all.  

Dean's face went white. "Oh no. Lisa. Lis, I didn't mean it."

Lisa hurled her coconut travelling shells at Dean. Dean flattened out. The coconut shells went sailing past him and crashed against the duct taped back together honeymoon tank.

"It seems like we're having some pre-wedding jitters a little bit late." The interviewer said trying to make the best of a bad situation. "I'm sure they'll work things out in—"

A terrible groan made the camera crew swing around. The honeymoon tank had burst! Tepid saltwater was rushing towards them in a crashing wave of death!

Jo and Cass moved to rescue Dean and Lisa before the wave of salty death could reach them. A rogue wave broke over the wedding ceremony platform and swept Sam away.

"Forget about them! Save Dog!" Sam shouted before he was being dragged under by the terrible currents.

Jo and Cass dropped Lisa and Dean like a sack of bricks.

"Noooo!" Cried Lisa as she was pulled out into the waves. "Doesn't loyalty mean anything these days? I even let you pick out the cut of your dress!"

"Noooo!" Cried Dean as he was pulled out into the waves. "Didn't 92' mean anything to you!?"

"As if!" Cass and Jo both yelled back as they both dove for poor whimpering Dog.

They each caught a leg of the terrified puppy and then grabbed madly at the #1 foam fingers that floated by in the chaos. They quickly built themselves a raft and floated out of the football stadium to safety.

\---

_The Day After_

The sole survivors of the Braeden-Winchester wedding curled up on their couch together. Things had moved fast for them but the shared experience of such extreme trauma had brought them closer together than anyone else could ever imagine.

Cass rested his head on Jo's shoulder as they admired their shrine to their lost friends. Waterlogged neon windbreakers and foam fingers in red and black and green and white covered the wall. But the focus point was the empty aquarium where Dean and Lisa had first met. Jo had lit a candle and placed in the bottom of the aquarium. Which was empty.

"Cass." Jo said.

"Yes?" Cass responded.

"Life is so short. Tragedy can strike anywhere." Jo said. One dramatic tear rolled down her cheek. "You used the third best duct tape and looked what happened? No one could have known that would happen. Third place is perfectly honourable."

"Yes. Tragedy can strike anywhere." Cass agreed. "Even in third place."

"What I'm saying is," Jo grasped Cass's hand. "We should get married. Make the most of time we have left. Go to all the football games Dean and Lisa would have wanted to see. Adopt all the dogs Sam would have wanted to adopt."

"Woof." Dog interjected from his foam finger mat.

"Jo. I think that's..." Cass paused for dramatic effect. "...........a wonderful idea."

"But let's just elope." Jo said.

"Yes." Cass said. "That might be wise."

"Woof." Dog added.

The three of them sighed and basked in the soft glow of their memorial shrine, appreciating just whole fragile life could be. They would make every day count from then on for their little family to be.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry? Maybe? I'm not sure yet. 
> 
> Written for [this](http://angrysouffle.tumblr.com/post/135374175848/january-rules-reblog-this-post-to-enter-your) challenge.


End file.
